Confidence

As my friends know, confidence is something that I am often lacking.  Sometimes I feel very good about myself and other times I have a hard time walking out of the door in the morning.  When I stopped wearing a wig, the first day I went full time, my confidence took a big hit.  I felt prior to that time most people didn’t notice, but after I stopped wearing my wig I got read all the time.  It has been almost two months since I went full time, my hair is getting longer, and my confidence has grown.  “Sure it has” would probably be the response from my friends.  But it has!  Although I knew that many people would realize that I was a transsexual, passing was very important and when I got read it would be a hit to my confidence.  Recently I decided that I didn’t care about passing anymore and was comfortable being a transsexual.  That isn’t to say that I don’t want to pass, that is still preferred and I eventually hope to reach the point where I pass all the time, but I no longer care about people noticing.  

Work has been the hardest because everyone knew me prior to my transition, but I am growing more comfortable each day.  Today I was involved in a drill at the City Emergency Operations Center (EOC) which is located at the police department.  The drill went most of the day and involved over 40 City employees from various departments in the City, including Electric, Water Resources, Transportation and Fire.  Because it was at the police department, and I was the police representative, every time someone arrived I had to walk them from the main lobby to the EOC, which included a ride with them in the elevator.  I was the host so I interacted with everyone a lot and although it was very obvious that I was transsexual no one acted any different.  Other than a few of the Fire department employees, the other City employees would not have known ahead of time and would probably be shocked that there was a transsexual City employee.  But no one acted any different and even though I am sure there was some conversation afterwards, I was very comfortable.

Sure there are some days where I need to give myself a mini pep talk before I walk into work or leave my office, but my confidence has improved significantly in the last few weeks, and I expect that to continue.